Recently I had a discussion with my parents about ways to honor our ancestors. Essentially, I suggested different ways to honor family traditions that have been diligently upheld for decades.
During Ching Ming, Chinese families visit ancestors’ tombs and make ritual offerings. My Dad is devoted in honoring traditions. Given his condition and other factors, my family was concerned about his plan on honoring the ritual.
As I listened to my parents, I knew it was not about who was right, but rather exploring a bigger picture. I held the space for an open dialogue, and I was grateful that we turned agitations and disagreements to new possibilities.
We discussed whether ancestors would only be “available” around Ching Ming. I have noticed how clients’ ancestors support my clients, so I assured my parents that our ancestors are available when we choose to connect with them.
When it comes to honoring spiritual traditions, some of us are lackadaisical. Some of us are so “devoted” that we lock ourselves in formality that restricts ourselves, causing undue stress.
If our ancestors love and care about us, they will not want to subject us to any formality that distresses us. Holding them with reverence in our hearts is far more important than following rules and traditions.
Different traditions have different ways to honor the deceased. I prefer to “greet” them every morning instead of waiting for special occasions. To me, making regular contact is a more effective way to build solid relationships.
After honoring ancestors and deities daily for decades, Mom said that she never got any “feedback” from them. I suggested that it was her devotion that led me to Divine Mother. I in turn relate Mother’s messages to my parents.
Just because our prayers aren’t answered the way we expect doesn’t mean that our prayers are not answered at all. Life is always giving us feedback. We just need to slow down, pay attention, and stop resisting the messages.
My Dad has a big family. With the different beliefs and spiritual practices adopted by each family member, my parents face a conundrum of who will visit the tombs when the descendants are scattered across the globe.
We talked about the possibility of excavating the tombs for cremation. I offered to look into releasing the cremated remains to the sea or the mountains. It’s a new territory for all of us.
Excavating tombs may seem disrespectful to some. If the priority is making it accessible for descendants to honor the ancestors, releasing the remains to nature gives the descendants flexibility to honor the ancestors anywhere.
I was glad that my parents seemed more relaxed at the end of our call. As a daughter living overseas, I often facilitate conversations so that we can listen to each other with acceptance instead of letting disagreements weaken the bond.
Regardless of what the family decides to do, I am at peace as I have done my best to support them. This situation may evolve and require deeper discussions later. I am willing to assist as appropriate when the time comes.
My family’s dilemma resembles other challenges we face in life. When we choose to act from loving acceptance without letting traditions restrict us or letting our differences divide us, we open ourselves to new opportunities.
The moment we set rules or rigid boundaries to defend our positions or protect our interests, we move further away from the unity and wholeness that we are here to experience.
Sometimes we focus so much on caring for others or supporting worthwhile causes that we overlook ways to enhance relationships in our own households. We have soul contracts with our loved ones, and we are here to grow together.
Every time we notice we are avoiding, deflecting or resisting conflicts with our loved ones, there is medicine for us.
Just because someone has passed on doesn’t mean it’s “over.” Any unresolved burden, such as regret, resentment or disappointment, with the deceased needs to be addressed so that we can complete our soul contracts.
When we clear the cobwebs within us, it helps the entire lineage.
This is one of the reasons I am very intentional about working on my relationships with my parents. Every conscious step I take paves the way for more graceful transitions in the remaining years we have together.
If my story sparks something in you, I would love to hear from you.
With Appreciation,
Carmen