I recently had conversations with a few women who made helping others a priority. They felt frustrated, disappointed or drained. What started as generous and selfless actions turned into a habit of neglecting the self.
You might have heard: it is better to give than to receive; if we want to feel better, help someone in need. When we help others, it is important to examine if it is driven by the need to please, for approval or feeling needed.
When the motivation of helping is wanting something “out there” to fill what is missing within us, our giving is conditional and the impact is distorted. It might even backfire when we don’t get the response we expect from helping others.
A woman took a long trip to visit her sister, thinking that she would “save” her sister from the grieving process. When the sister didn’t seem appreciative, she became cold. That resulted in tension throughout the entire family trip.
Many of us care, and sometimes we care so much that is unhealthy. We let other’s response or lack of feedback hurt us. To avoid burnout, resentment or unintended consequences, it is essential to nourish the body, mind and soul.
Engaging in creative projects opens and nourishes us, but their benefits are often underestimated. Perhaps it is because creativity is associated with art, which is often considered impractical.
My experience is that many deeply transformative experiences involve some form of creativity.
Cultivating creativity boosts our “intelligence” in handling challenges. Well-designed creative activities allow the soul to express through us. This intimate connection with the soul is precious because it enlivens us on many levels.
When we only focus on what needs to be done, we are in a hurry. There is no room for other possibilities because we lock ourselves in current state of affairs. Cultivating creativity engages the brain to think outside the box.
We can’t force creativity because the brain has to reach a certain state first. When done intentionally, creative projects open the mind to profound insights, shifting the psyche so that we feel equipped in tackling what seems impossible.
When we catch glimpses of new possibilities, certain positions that we used to hold onto don’t seem to matter anymore because we operate on a higher plane. We free ourselves to become more compassionate.
Many simple creative projects can open our hearts and connect us with the soul: gardening, painting, coloring mandalas, dancing, playing music, and cooking. Don’t worry about the product, just enjoy the process.
Back to the topic of helping others, I have seen many distract themselves from healing their own wounds by helping others. This includes service providers, well-intentioned people caring for families, and volunteers in communities.
We cannot bypass our own curriculum because we are here to realize our full potential. When we feel drained or are triggered repeatedly by those we help, we need to see what we need to change. It is not necessarily about them.
When we keep prioritizing other people’s needs over ours, we are essentially saying they are more important. Selflessness may be viewed as a virtue; it can also be considered as feeling so unworthy that we keep neglecting our needs.
The Division of Cancer Epidemiology and Genetics from the National Cancer Institute summarized a systematic review of 62 studies, indicating imposter syndrome was prevalent in 56% to 82% of graduate students, college students, nurses, medical students, and other professions.
Imposter syndrome is a process when someone don’t think or feel they are enough or deserve success, health, happiness, and so on. If we don’t think we are enough, we start doing too much and try harder to cater to others.
Folks with imposter syndrome may seem to have it all, yet there is at least one area they betray themselves. They might sacrifice their dreams to help others pursue theirs. They might put up with situations thinking they have no choice.
It is a slippery slope if our identity or self-worth is dependent on our abilities to help others. We need to feel good about ourselves regardless of whether people want our help or they acknowledge our contributions or not.
Even though I am called to guide others in their own transformations, I have to keep reminding myself to not cling to clients’ results or how people respond to my work. It is a red flag whenever I catch myself needing validation.
Every time that happens, I need to go deep and explore why I need to be needed. The process can be very uncomfortable, but I reclaim more parts of me and gain deeper self-trust, which allows me to embody greater freedom.
We are social beings, and we need each other to experience life fully. If our relationships are based on needing to be needed, it is not sustainable. We need to feel whole and complete as we are first, and what we desire will come.
Regardless of our roles and responsibilities, each of us deserves crafting time regularly to nourish ourselves so that we can feel alive and equipped to engage in life fully.
We might dismiss opportunities that offer greater freedom and vitality because we are too busy or we think it is not worth it. In reality, we don’t feel worthy to have more good in life. This is especially prevalent in over-givers who don’t see how they are hindering themselves.
You don’t have to be perfect to have a positive impact on anyone. Feeling vibrant and whole is essential If you want your impact to be wholesome and sustainable.
If you are committed to breaking the pattern of overextending yourself so that you can break the cycle for you and your family line, schedule a free consultation with me to identify your key steps.